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[10 Dec 2007|06:07pm] |
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no, i did not abandon this journal and stop writing in it. yes, my journal is private. if you would like to possibly read it, leave a comment and add me, and i will consider adding you in return.
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[19 Oct 2006|06:43pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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joe satriani - circles |
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i leave for huntington beach tomorrow for a much needed weekend retreat.
i've been in the worst of moods today and i seem to be effecting all those around me, as usual.
i always manage to bring everybody down with me every time i show even the slightest bit of drowning.
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| alaska serves as my only retreat. |
[15 Oct 2006|10:37pm] |
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mood |
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 sick, tired |
] |
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music |
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unearth - giles |
] |
for the past twenty-four hours, i have tasted bile in my throat.
i am just flat-out nauseated.
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| this is a witch hunt. |
[14 Oct 2006|12:33am] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
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music |
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coheed and cambria - the crowing |
] |
t k h f i o r i g o e n t u s i . t f k o s i s y n y u h t y o l h k k h s o u n t i t m c a g h g t g w t u i f t e a o y s c e h o u f c s e a a l c g f n i e o l w y u o h h h c n b f n r u w ? k b o u s i o u r n w e k l o v n t m o i o y n t a e k d e r d e a a f t o f y e s c c s
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| don't think you're having all the fun. |
[09 Oct 2006|09:10pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
] |
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music |
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the mars volta - tetragrammaton |
] |
i have run myself into severe exhaustion with the lack of sleep.
i truly feel like i am walking around as if i was dead.
everything is in slow-motion, but somehow passes by in a raging, swirling blur.
i'm still having nightmares whenever i fall asleep and i do the same routine every time: i jet straight up in fright, drenched in my own sweat.
i don't know what's wrong with me and what it is that's plaguing my mind.
i can't think straight and i slur my words like one in a drunken stupor.
i want/need to start working out.
who wants/is-going to with me?
i already have my membership and the gym is open 24/7/365, so who wants in?
i really miss some people.
having a space-less and seemingly unconscious mindset really makes you realize it.
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| slowly grow, weeds turn into, smiling trance, never mentioned. it's raining. |
[05 Oct 2006|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
] |
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music |
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bury your dead - mirror, mirror |
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i love the rain with every fiber in my being.
i love its clean, exhilirating, dewy scent and i love its soothing sound as the rain taps against windows like a snare drum played every so softly.
i love its gloomy feel and i love the mood it puts me in.
i love to walk outside and feel the algid autumn air when it's raining.
i love the feeling of light rain falling against my face and i love how it makes my teeth lovingly chatter.
i love watching the rain drops collect and grow larger on top of surfaces.
i love it in the morning when the clouds blanket the sky cauliflower gray; i love to see the sky turn silver and darken its tone as the sun sets.
i wish it rained here more often.
i miss seattle in the fall when the clouds come down really low and make your hands clammy with feathery mist, when it's true hoodie weather because the rain itself is cold making the whole city seem ghostly.
i miss its lustrous and pale sky.
i miss its abundant palette of rich, vivid greens; champagne yellows; auburn browns; and apricot oranges.
i miss it so damn much; i cannot describe to you how much i miss it.
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| all of my fears came true. |
[03 Oct 2006|09:57pm] |
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music |
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nine inch nails - the downward spiral (the bottom) |
] |
my shameful anger always turns into a much more mild-mannered, uncontrollable darkness and seclusion.
i'm a complete fuck-up with a bitter past.
i don't want a single person's pity sympathy; i just want someone to fucking understand.
i want someone to understand my side of each story; i want someone to understand where i come from and why.
i want someone to realize why i have made the decisions that i so made.
i cannot take this amount of pressure and i cannot do all that is asked of me when my ankles are tied to this unbreakable chain held together by fears and nightmares and regret and the constant looming glare from all around me.
those of you with your false alliances and your fabricated lies: you all count for nothing; you are prevaricators and deceivers, hell-bent on ripping out the wings of those around you just to watch them fall to the ground.
all that i say at this point is repetitious.
i'm a fucking broken record.
i'm fucking meaningless.
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| she's my preistess, i'm your preist. |
[02 Oct 2006|09:31pm] |
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mood |
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satisfied |
] |
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music |
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red hot chili peppers - especially in michigan |
] |
vons sells forty-five piece bags of the radberry assortment of now and laters.
these flavors consist of red radberry, green tingleberry, purple wildberry, blue radberry, and (newly added) black radberry.
wal-mart is also definitely where the party's at candy-wise.
(i.e. i purchased a 205-piece bag of individually wrapped green apple, strawberry, cherry, and blue raspberry sour punch for $4.88 and a 255-piece bag of assorted individually wrapped extreme warheads for the same price).
in the name of all things Holy and death-by-sugar-overdose-related, this day is epic.
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| sportin' my favorite month of the year. |
[01 Oct 2006|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
] |
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music |
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nine inch nails - right where it belongs |
] |
the dodgers took the wild card in the national league.
the only reason they took the wild card was because after they tied up the padres' record, the pennant was given to the padres because, when facing each other, the padres had won more times against the dodgers than the dodgers had against the padres.
bottom line, the dodgers are in the playoffs--despite this whole season's constantly growing injury list--and i'm so excited.
now, down to the two reasons i am nervous:
reason one: the dodgers face the mets in the opening bracket of the national league playoffs on wednesday. (of course i have to wait an extra day to watch the dodgers play the mets). i have faith in them and they are going off of a seven-game winning streak, but i'm nervous because the mets have the best record in the national league and in baseball, tied with the yankees. i still have faith in the dodgers;
reason two: the yankees face the tigers in the opening bracket of the american league playoffs on tuesday. for those of you that know me, you will remember that out of any sports team in any sporting event what-so-ever, the yankees are the team that i hate the most. i can't even put into words the hate that i have for that team and anybody in relation to them. for God's sake, i won't even visit new york city because it's the home of the yankees. i hope to God that the yankees are swept in the opening bracket, I HOPE TO GOD. that would shoot down all of their players (like a-sucksawholelotofbigrod), their coaches, their owner, and all of their fans. if the yankees lose in the american league playoffs, to which ever team they lose to, i will go out and buy some form of memorabilia to support that specific team that beat the yankees, just to rub it in the faces of those who love the yankees. (i.e. if the yankees lose to the tigers, i will go out and buy a shirt or a hat to sport the tigers).
this is my favorite month.
LET THE PLAYOFFS COMMENCE!
(...starting in two days).
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[30 Sep 2006|05:35pm] |
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mood |
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enraged |
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music |
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muse - stockholm syndrome |
] |
i just want to leap through the air full-bore, dropkick you in the chest, then fucking ram an elbow into your face.
step off and stay away from them.
you disgust me.
i will chew you up and spit you out before you knew what hit you.
i will tear you to shreds at the first opportunity given.
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| i deleted all of the paragraph breaks to conserve space. |
[30 Sep 2006|02:54am] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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music |
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sigur rós - mílanó |
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i know most of you, if not all of you, will end up not reading this because it looks ever so long. in all actuality, however, i can guarantee you that it took me longer to relocate the web page online than it will for you to read it. this article made me literally clap outloud for only myself to hear, i thought it was that good. "it's about time," is all i have to say regarding this article. like my subject title says above, i deleted all of the paragraph breaks to conserve space. although it makes it look longer, it's entirely to help my page out.
A textbook definition of cowardice
Keith Olbermann comments on Bill Clinton's Fox News interview
The headlines about them are, of course, entirely wrong. It is not essential that a past president, bullied and sandbagged by a monkey posing as a newscaster, finally lashed back. It is not important that the current President’s portable public chorus has described his predecessor’s tone as “crazed.” Our tone should be crazed. The nation’s freedoms are under assault by an administration whose policies can do us as much damage as al Qaida; the nation’s marketplace of ideas is being poisoned by a propaganda company so blatant that Tokyo Rose would’ve quit. Nonetheless. The headline is this: Bill Clinton did what almost none of us have done in five years. He has spoken the truth about 9/11, and the current presidential administration. "At least I tried," he said of his own efforts to capture or kill Osama bin Laden. "That’s the difference in me and some, including all of the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They had eight months to try; they did not try. I tried." Thus in his supposed emeritus years has Mr. Clinton taken forceful and triumphant action for honesty, and for us; action as vital and as courageous as any of his presidency; action as startling and as liberating, as any, by any one, in these last five long years. The Bush Administration did not try to get Osama bin Laden before 9/11. The Bush Administration ignored all the evidence gathered by its predecessors. The Bush Administration did not understand the Daily Briefing entitled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike in U.S." The Bush Administration did not try. Moreover, for the last five years one month and two weeks, the current administration, and in particular the President, has been given the greatest “pass” for incompetence and malfeasance in American history! President Roosevelt was rightly blamed for ignoring the warning signs—some of them, 17 years old—before Pearl Harbor. President Hoover was correctly blamed for—if not the Great Depression itself—then the disastrous economic steps he took in the immediate aftermath of the Stock Market Crash. Even President Lincoln assumed some measure of responsibility for the Civil War—though talk of Southern secession had begun as early as 1832. But not this president. To hear him bleat and whine and bully at nearly every opportunity, one would think someone else had been president on September 11th, 2001 -- or the nearly eight months that preceded it. That hardly reflects the honesty nor manliness we expect of the executive. But if his own fitness to serve is of no true concern to him, perhaps we should simply sigh and keep our fingers crossed, until a grown-up takes the job three Januarys from now. Except for this. After five years of skirting even the most inarguable of facts—that he was president on 9/11 and he must bear some responsibility for his, and our, unreadiness, Mr. Bush has now moved, unmistakably and without conscience or shame, towards re-writing history, and attempting to make the responsibility, entirely Mr. Clinton’s. Of course he is not honest enough to do that directly. As with all the other nefariousness and slime of this, our worst presidency since James Buchanan, he is having it done for him, by proxy. Thus, the sandbag effort by Fox News Friday afternoon. Consider the timing: the very weekend the National Intelligence Estimate would be released and show the Iraq war to be the fraudulent failure it is—not a check on terror, but fertilizer for it. The kind of proof of incompetence, for which the administration and its hyenas at Fox need to find a diversion, in a scapegoat. It was the kind of cheap trick which would get a journalist fired—but a propagandist, promoted: Promise to talk of charity and generosity; but instead launch into the lies and distortions with which the Authoritarians among us attack the virtuous and reward the useless. And don’t even be professional enough to assume the responsibility for the slanders yourself; blame your audience for “e-mailing” you the question. Mr. Clinton responded as you have seen. He told the great truth untold about this administration’s negligence, perhaps criminal negligence, about bin Laden. He was brave. Then again, Chris Wallace might be braver still. Had I in one moment surrendered all my credibility as a journalist, and been irredeemably humiliated, as was he, I would have gone home and started a new career selling seeds by mail. The smearing by proxy, of course, did not begin Friday afternoon. Disney was first to sell-out its corporate reputation, with "The Path to 9/11." Of that company’s crimes against truth one needs to say little. Simply put: someone there enabled an Authoritarian zealot to belch out Mr. Bush’s new and improved history. The basic plot-line was this: because he was distracted by the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Bill Clinton failed to prevent 9/11. The most curious and in some ways the most infuriating aspect of this slapdash theory, is that the Right Wingers who have advocated it—who try to sneak it into our collective consciousness through entertainment, or who sandbag Mr. Clinton with it at news interviews—have simply skipped past its most glaring flaw. Had it been true that Clinton had been distracted from the hunt for bin Laden in 1998 because of the Monica Lewinsky nonsense, why did these same people not applaud him for having bombed bin Laden’s camps in Afghanistan and Sudan on Aug. 20, of that year? For mentioning bin Laden by name as he did so? That day, Republican Senator Grams of Minnesota invoked the movie "Wag The Dog." Republican Senator Coats of Indiana questioned Mr. Clinton’s judgment. Republican Senator Ashcroft of Missouri—the future attorney general—echoed Coats. Even Republican Senator Arlen Specter questioned the timing. And of course, were it true Clinton had been “distracted” by the Lewinsky witch-hunt, who on earth conducted the Lewinsky witch-hunt? Who turned the political discourse of this nation on its head for two years? Who corrupted the political media? Who made it impossible for us to even bring back on the air, the counter-terrorism analysts like Dr. Richard Haass, and James Dunegan, who had warned, at this very hour, on this very network, in early 1998, of cells from the Middle East who sought to attack us, here? Who preempted them in order to strangle us with the trivia that was, “All Monica All The Time”? Who distracted whom? This is, of course, where—as is inevitable—Mr. Bush and his henchmen prove not quite as smart as they think they are. The full responsibility for 9/11 is obviously shared by three administrations, possibly four. But, Mr. Bush, if you are now trying to convince us by proxy that it’s all about the distractions of 1998 and 1999, then you will have to face a startling fact that your minions may have hidden from you. The distractions of 1998 and 1999, Mr. Bush, were carefully manufactured, and lovingly executed, not by Bill Clinton, but by the same people who got you elected President. Thus, instead of some commendable acknowledgment that you were even in office on 9/11 and the lost months before it, we have your sleazy and sloppy rewriting of history, designed by somebody who evidently read the Orwell playbook too quickly. Thus, instead of some explanation for the inertia of your first eight months in office, we are told that you have kept us "safe" ever since—a statement that might range anywhere from zero, to 100 percent, true. We have nothing but your word, and your word has long since ceased to mean anything. And, of course, the one time you have ever given us specifics about what you have kept us safe from, Mr. Bush, you got the name of the supposedly targeted Tower in Los Angeles wrong. Thus was it left for the previous president to say what so many of us have felt; what so many of us have given you a pass for in the months and even the years after the attack: You did not try. You ignored the evidence gathered by your predecessor. You ignored the evidence gathered by your own people. Then, you blamed your predecessor. That would be a textbook definition, Mr. Bush, of cowardice. To enforce the lies of the present, it is necessary to erase the truths of the past. That was one of the great mechanical realities Eric Blair—writing as George Orwell—gave us in the book “1984.” The great philosophical reality he gave us, Mr. Bush, may sound as familiar to you, as it has lately begun to sound familiar to me. "The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power... "Power is not a means; it is an end. "One does not establish a dictatorship to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. "The object of persecution, is persecution. The object of torture, is torture. The object of power… is power." Earlier last Friday afternoon, before the Fox ambush, speaking in the far different context of the closing session of his remarkable Global Initiative, Mr. Clinton quoted Abraham Lincoln’s State of the Union address from 1862. "We must disenthrall ourselves." Mr. Clinton did not quote the rest of Mr. Lincoln’s sentence. He might well have. "We must disenthrall ourselves and then we shall save our country." And so has Mr. Clinton helped us to disenthrall ourselves, and perhaps enabled us, even at this late and bleak date, to save our country. The "free pass" has been withdrawn, Mr. Bush. You did not act to prevent 9/11. We do not know what you have done to prevent another 9/11. You have failed us—then leveraged that failure, to justify a purposeless war in Iraq which will have, all too soon, claimed more American lives than did 9/11. You have failed us anew in Afghanistan. And you have now tried to hide your failures, by blaming your predecessor. And now you exploit your failure, to rationalize brazen torture which doesn’t work anyway; which only condemns our soldiers to water-boarding; which only humiliates our country further in the world; and which no true American would ever condone, let alone advocate. And there it is, Mr. Bush: Are yours the actions of a true American?
© 2006 MSNBC Interactive
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| drag your vessel; punch your clock in. |
[27 Sep 2006|03:20pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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the mars volta - cicatriz: a-d: parts I-IV (live) |
] |
over the past week, i have spent a decent portion of my time hooking up my killer stereo speakers to my computer.
i finally, last night, completed in hooking up five of my speakers.
i fooled around with the sound as best as i could, but it just didn't sound right in the end.
so what did i do?
i spent my time being a dickhole and i actually hooked up a sixth speaker and removed all of the wiring and replaced the speaker order so i could adjust it well enough for me to now have four front speakers (two A, two B) and two rear speakers.
goodness gracious, i have wattage power spewing from my ears.
(the latter portion of that sounded really gross, i apologize).
and to think that my subwoofer isn't even hooked up yet, bahahaha.
i haven't ever really posted it in here yet, but i just wanted to let everybody know how amazing mastodon's blood mountain really is.
it makes me really happy.
i mean, it actually truly made me happy to go to school this morning.
i LOVE it.
(and you).
mattie had totally siked me out over this past weekend in telling me that she couldn't come out to visit--which she truly, at one point, could not, but eventually ended up being able to.
long story short, kelly lied to me telling me that she needed to "talk to me" and i needed to come see her at her house, so i agreed naturally.
upon arrival, i walk into the den, and there's the lovely mattie sitting on the couch with a beaming smile on her face, hahaha.
it was an excellent surprise.
it's a shame that she and her wonderful sister weren't able to stay for long, though.
(they left yesterday afternoon).
i miss the cummins'.
and if i had a penny for every time i have said that, i would be flippin' rich.
i want to start updating in here more often like i used to so obsessively.
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| oh my gosh. |
[23 Sep 2006|03:15pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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pain of salvation - a trace of blood |
] |
i just drank a two-liter (67.6 fluid ounce; two-quart and 3.6 ounce) bottle of coca-cola classic.
i'm going to die.
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| always the hard way. |
[19 Sep 2006|11:00pm] |
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mood |
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energetic |
] |
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music |
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unearth - black hearts now reign (live at my head) |
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i don't really like to go to a lot of shows, but i truly feel at peace and one-with-myself when i'm at the house of blues.
the show tonight was, straight up, off-the-hook.
i'm incredibly happy that i went and i'm sympathetic to those who didn't get the chance to go.
we missed animosity, but through the eyes of the dead did was pretty sweet and the drummer had some gnarley blast beats.
terror, bleeding through, and unearth were so amazing.
oh my gosh.
they make me want to attend more shows.
i'll tell you one thing, though...going to shows when you're already sick with a sore throat, splitting headache, and other such symptoms doesn't mix well with screaming lyrics, continuously banging your head, and doing other such things.
i'm going to be dead in the morning, oh God.
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| visions of the hunted. |
[15 Sep 2006|04:14pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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mastodon - colony of birchmen |
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for the past week and few days, i keep waking up several times throughout the night very abruptly. i jet straight up in a panic, hyperventilating and covered in my own sweat. i don't know what's happening to me and/or going on with me.
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| ebay is my main cause of stress at the moment. |
[11 Sep 2006|09:11pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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music |
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bury your dead - the poison apple |
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finding jeans that:
a. fit me the way i like them to fit me;
and b. are reasonably priced;
is damn near impossible, except for ebay.
the only draw back is that it takes a short amount of time for them to be delivered, and about a week for them to be able available to buy (when bidding is the only/cheaper way).
i am so, incredibly, mega, ultra, wicked, unbelievably stoked about tomorrow's cd tuesday.
1.) the mars volta's amputechture, which chris and i waited an extra three weeks for because they had pushed back the release date;
2.) mastodon's blood mountain;
3.) norma jean's redeemer;
4.) justin timberlake's futuresex/lovesounds.
oh, gosh.
i don't know how i will last at school tomorrow with the excitement that has already overwhelmed me for the past couple of months.
besides, both chris and i have been fasting from the mars volta for over a month now.
ahh.
antoinette moved today to tennessee.
it still hasn't quite hit me yet.
mattie comes in a week!
that hasn't hit me full-bore yet.
heather's father's funeral yesterday was really upsetting to watch, mostly because of how upsetting it was for me to see my cousin, whom i love so much, so distraught.
it was really hard for me to watch my parents cry, too.
thankfully, however, my dad and my sisters were sitting in front of me, but my mom was sitting next to me and she was a waterfall.
my cousin's sister is really cute.
that sounds like incest, but my cousin is adopted and her sister is her half-sister, i swear haha.
heather and samantha, who came into town for the funeral, leave tomorrow.
i don't want them to go; i want them to move out here like they have been talking about doing.
hunting down colleges and their deadlines is incredibly stressful.
the end.
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| we are all we have in a world that corrupts us. |
[05 Sep 2006|09:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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indescribable |
] |
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music |
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kanye west - celebration |
] |
my thoughts are so mixed up and my feelings just as much these days.
i find myself zoning out more often than normal and when i regain consciousness, i don't realize where i am.
like i'm the narrator of my own life that's spiraling out of control due to my bidding, i am sharing my life with my very own tyler durden.
it's difficult for me to gather myself; i feel like i have shattered into a million tiny shards and those that care are the ones that stop as they are walking by and help to build me back to what i was.
these people are the ones that constantly offer their help and aide to me.
you know who you are and i thank you for always being there for me.
i miss heather and samantha and hanging out with them every night.
despite what was going on and despite why they were initially here, every night was carefree and we as a family kept each other's minds off of our current situation ahead of and behind us.
two-and-a-half weeks could not come any slower.
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| black holes and revelations. |
[03 Sep 2006|10:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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defeated |
] |
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music |
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muse - map of the problematique |
] |
i hate being so behind in the game.
ugh, everybody i know and talk to is so far ahead of me.
i'm entirely, 100% ashamed of what and who i am.
and i can't help but to feel beat by the competition that wouldn't exist if it wasn't for me.
i am a pathetic pile of uselessness.
i am the scum of the earth which we shit on.
i am this misunderstood, neatly-packaged nothing.
why this has buried me so far i have yet to realize.
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| bitches and their pre-menstruation. |
[29 Aug 2006|01:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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chingy - holidae inn |
] |
girls that are bitchy during pre-menstruation and take their anger out on you, the victimized individual, suck.
i'm stressed out, i don't feel well, i'm annoyed, i'm angry, i'm apologetic when i shouldn't be, i'm regretful, i'm sore, i'm tired, and i'm really fucking stressed out; i'm going to bed.
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mattieiswayrad's journal
